I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn't): Making the Journey from "What Will People Think?" to "I Am Enough"

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A blogger friend mentioned Brene Brown after I wrote a blog post about vulnerability. My friend said in her comment that I was courageous, yet I'd written the post about how scary it was to be vulnerable. I was puzzled as to how that made me courageous. Then I read I Thought It Was Just Me and I understood better. Brown explains courage as the strength to speak your heart - and this type of courage is one of the key ways to develop and maintain shame resilience. As I read this book, I felt a bit like I did when I read In a Different Voice: Psychological Theory and Women's Development in college. Both times, I kept thinking, "It's not just me. I'm not crazy." This book made me realize I am not the only woman - not by a long shot - who struggles with shame. And it made me thankful that at least I'm aware of this struggle within me, so that I can begin to recognize my shame triggers and work towards resilience. It’s primarily a little step toward assisting you in recognizing when you’re ashamed. The key to altering your reaction to a circumstance is to see yourself from the outside at any given time. Casandra Brené Brown is an American research professor, lecturer, author, and podcast host. Brown is known in particular for her research on shame, vulnerability, and leadership. A long-time researcher and academic, Brown became famous following a widely viewed TEDx talk in 2010. Book details To be able to overcome shame, you must first understand what causes it, regardless of how it manifests itself. Now is the time to emphasize the fact that there are no universal sources of shame. Everyone associates the sensation with his or her own terrible past experiences.

I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME (BUT IT ISN’T): MAKING THE JOURNEY

And yet, we are always reminded by society whom we need to be and what we need to do to become “adequate.” In this struggle, we learn to hide our imperfections, and hence, our true selves.

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Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging." As far as we know, there is one antidote to shame: empathy. But, receiving compassion is not everything – in fact, it is just as vital for you to empathize with others as well. Merely knowing that there is someone who understands what you are experiencing and the emotions you are feeling, makes you see that your situation is not unusual, and as a result, you feel less isolated.

I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) Summary - 12min Blog I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t) Summary - 12min Blog

This is easy to understand, as when we are hurt; we frequently become angry with the ones who have hurt us. Or when we’re embarrassed, anger is a tempting and easy way out. Blaming others feels good at the moment, and it gives the impression of regaining control by taking action, but we all know how that ends: you regret your outburst, realize it was your fault all along, and you wind up feeling much worse. Secondly, the reason I was in two parts about this book is because; as the title suggests, there are a lot of different accounts of Shame through people that Brown has interviewed, throughout the book you hear their stories, all the different places in which people feel shame, this was beautiful in a sense that it does lift you out of your own corner of shame and isolation, it also gave voice to emotions that I was feeling that I could not articulate myself. Listening to all the different subtleties of Shame as well really bring into light how much of a Shame Web we actually can find ourselves in without even realising it. SHAME is the feeling you get when your expectations for yourself are unattainably high, and you feel like a failure because you know you will never reach them. In other words: it is not about fitting in with other people.. it is about accepting ourselves as the flawed but beautiful people we already are. Fundamentally, shame is what happens after the balloons have popped and everyone else has gone home.This book offers information, insight and specific strategies for understanding shame and building "shame resilience." We can never become completely resistant to shame; however, we can develop the resilience we need to recognize shame, move through it constructively and grow from our experiences." pg xiv Brown is a shame researcher, and her resilience theory includes the ability to 'name your shame', detach from it to understand it as a societal and widespread - not personal and individualized- issue , and then to form relationships with others, in which you can authentically discuss and support each other through shame struggles. I thought it was just me is a wholesome book for anyone who ever feels feared, shamed, criticized, and blamed. The book’s main tenets teach how to turn your insecurities into powers and strength. Understand and become aware of shame And this section put a spotlight on some areas in which I need to work: "Shame often prevents us from presenting our real selves to the people around us--it sabotages our efforts to be authentic. How can we be genuine when we are desperately trying to manage and control how others perceive us? How can we be honest with people about our beliefs and, at the same time, tell them what we think they want to hear? How do we stand up for what we believe in when we are trying to make everyone around us feel comfortable so they won't get angry and put us down?" (p. 242) Instead of a synopsis or thinly veiled attempt at sounding studious, I thought I'd extract a few quotes that, while written about and for a female audience, hit home for me and that I think are representative of the importance of the work presented in this volume. Though the things that trigger shame are different for men and women, the feelings are the same. However, there is great relief in understanding the experience is universally experienced (hence, the title).