Joseph Dobson & Sons Marshmallow Mega Lollies 1.99 kg

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When sour coke bottles exist, it’s sad to think that the non-sour coke bottle has to go around pretending it’s “pretty much the same”. The less successful sibling of dairy lollies, the non-sour coke bottle needs to rebrand away from its beloved relative. Start a clothing line, write poetry, become their manager, do something. The greatest fruit-flavoured chewy candy in the world. Tangy apples are to fruit bursts what Johnnie Walker blue label is to Jim Beam. I only just now realised how strangely Johnnie is spelled. Look at it properly. So many letters. But I digress, the tangy apple is a pillar of the dairy lolly empire and one of few wrapped lollies that have stood the test of time and convenience. L-R: teeth, marshmallow twists, coconut rough, sour lemons, tangy apples

I discovered these late (year 12, shoutout Dilip’s Four Square in Wellington) but boy did I make up for lost time. Raspberry drops are easily the best value for money in that they last for ages and you get a bunch in every bag. The one downside is they make your tongue go red/purple which is fine for a kid after school and less fine for an adult in a work meeting. As far as taste and longevity goes, you simply cannot beat a raspberry drop. Update: I realise I have forgotten jet planes but I’ve already assigned numbers so unless they go dead last, I’ll place them here. Jet planes are good but are supermarket lollies. Condolences.]

Place about 5 raspberries at the bottom of each lolly mould, you need about 1cm of space at the top of the mould, so push the raspberries down. I’ve noticed that people who are long in the tooth (euphemism and pun at the same time, you’re welcome) are very fond of these rainbow bars. I tasted one for the first time this week and I gotta tell you, I wasn’t impressed. What even is it? It tasted a little gooey like marshmallow but also jelly but also sugar granuley. Not a fan but I respect my elders so will rank it here. These would be nice if they had any flavour, which I suppose could be said of cardboard as well. I say poo poo to the huhu. An unnecessary lolly that doesn’t even have the thrill of looking like its namesake. All I’m saying is, it doesn’t not look like a sperm and a tampon at the same time. L-R: Giant strawbs, gobstopper, red coke bottles, russian fudge, huhu grubs

To serve, rim the glass with sugar, add a couple of scoops to a glass and then pour over 25ml of Framboise. Pour the watermelon and vodka blend into the mould and pop the mould in the freezer for an hour, or until the watermelon juice is part frozen but not totally solid.

You could argue that TNTs shouldn’t be in this list at all because they’re individually wrapped. You could argue that, and you probably will argue that, but it’s too late. What’s done is done. TNTs used to be sold separately and were one of the rare 10 cent lollies for the high rollers. But given the shift away from build-a-bags, they’re now sold almost exclusively as dollar bags. And what a dollar bag. They’re the only lolly with actual liquid in them and are proper sour. In lieu of putting the almighty zombie chew on this list, I put the mini equivalent. I saw a few comments about less than perfect results. I also had yellow tinged candies all though it did not affect the taste. It’s a plain gummy done right. Small, soft, but still splits when you bite into it (the bad soft gummies don’t split and it’s gross). There’s nothing special about these strawberries but they’ve had many impersonators over the years and none have lived up to OG. I like blowpipes (wish they had a better name than blowpipes tbh) but I’m aware that they’re polarising. They look like the scary red electric cords from the space level in Crash Bandicoot 2 and I assume that’s exactly what the manufacturers were going for. Unfortunately they’re sherbet without being sour, which makes the sherbet a bit pointless. But they come in nice colours and are satisfying to eat via being like a sweet noodle.

Not everything needs variations. I’m someone who still spends money on vanilla coke and even I have no interest in red coke bottles. I’ve opted for seasonal sprinkles, but you could also decorate them with crushed candy canes for a wintery spin. And don’t forget to stir in your favorite flavorings, such as cherry or strawberry extract to give the pops a punch of fruity flavor.Is anyone really going to the dairy to buy Russian fudge? Russian fudge is to be bought at primary school fairs, made by that one mum who makes it every year even after her kids have left the school. It is to be bought in direct sunlight, not under the fluorescent hell of dairy lighting. Here are some circumstances that may be likely culprits to less than expected results. I had to eliminate a few before I was successful. Whittaker’s toffee milk aka the extremely hard caramel chocolate that sits in a box on every dairy counter. Only now, probably thanks to health and safety regulations again, they’re sold separately in dollar bags. It’s not technically a “dollar bag” lolly in the same way that this list isn’t technically “journalism” and yet here we are. Toffee milk is the most sophisticated lolly you can buy from the dairy and for that reason alone, it deserves a top five placing. The bulk-buying classic. The only two ways to see these lollies is in a one dollar bag or in a five kilo bag. No in between. There are technically three flavours and they do taste different but they’re still somehow indistinguishable.

Boil a small amount of water in your kettle. Put the sugar into a jug with a splash of boiled water and stir until the sugar is dissolved.

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Placing one of these on your tongue and feeling it dissolve like the mildest chemical burn is a uniquely New Zealand thrill. They’re also the best option in those weird lolly machines where you turn the handle and the sweets drop down the chute. Is this relevant to anyone? I’ve only ever seen them at Placemakers in Kaiwharawhara and VTNZ offices. These are actually fine. They’re always nice in the mixed bags but I’ve never, ever seen someone buy a full dollar bag of them so they go right here. You shouldn’t be going to the dairy to buy marshmallows. But if you insist on being weird, at least buy marshmallow twists. Like the regular gummy strawberries but massive, tougher, and with way less flavour. You can eat them, or you can impress your friends by skipping them seven times across a lake.