Empress Theresa

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While Blair talks about how they all thought Theresa was dead and how they were planning her funeral, he relates that they were to play a soulful instrumental version of Danny Boy "for the girl descended from the Irish" and that "Great Britain was proud to bring one of its own home for a final visit." Ireland is not a part of Great Britain or the United Kingdom. While Northern Ireland is a part of the UK, it isn't specified what part of Ireland Theresa's ancestry comes from. Not to mention that Theresa is an American-born and raised citizen and therefore has nothing to do with either country in the first place. Norman was challenged on this and asked a direct question as to whether he sees people solely as their occupations. After repeatedly dodging the question, the critic said that failure to answer would be taken as an affirmative [33]. Norman followed up with an accusation that the critic was trying to deflect away from an argument he "won". [34] Pride [ ] Premise 1: Empress Theresa is destined to become a huge success. Considering the extensive negative opinions about the work, reportedly so boring that many people did not even finish it, it is impossible for ET to become a famous novel. Unless ET undergoes extensive editing, which Boutin will not allow, it will be universally rejected for publication.

The book has been universally panned by both lay and professional critics, and Norman Boutin has become an icon of "What Not to Do" for Indie authors. She is woken up at 4AM and put into a "twin turboprop," where Theresa learns that the bomb will go off at 60,000 feet. She is also given a special thermal one piece because it gets cold that high. While on the journey, Theresa ponders the ontological argument for God and prays the twenty-third psalm. They arrive after several hours at an aircraft carrier, where the plane refuels and then takes off again. They land at another carrier where Theresa is brought before the captain and a group of officers. A female officer takes out her cell phone and records a video of Theresa, asking her if she has anything to say for her last words. Theresa paraphrases Tecumseh with: "If people grieve your passing rejoice in the good you did and die like a hero going home." History: At one point Theresa finds the fresh hair and preserved skull of Joan of Arc and presents it to the French, who openly weep with joy. Joan of Arc was burned at the stake and reduced to ash, and the ash was scattered over the ocean, a fact that the book brings up and brushes off as a falsehood. There is absolutely no way that Theresa would have found a full skull complete with cranium and jaw, and certainly no hair given that Joan of Arc died in 1431. Interestingly, the author wrote a (very bad) essay arguing that Joan of Arc died via smoke inhalation, suggesting that this was Author Tract.

Theresa's solution to the Arab-Israeli Conflict is to create a new island in the Mediterranean and move the entire Jewish population of Israel there in an unsubtle parallel to the Exodus, an idea that is hilariously naïve given the importance of Jerusalem and Israel to both Jewish religion and secular culture. If you don't desire a heavy dose of negative attention, do not give readers and reviewers alike a reason to give you negative attention. Look at Norman and his antics and, beside getting a heavy case of schadenfreude, learn and grow from his mistakes.

Eagleland: Type 2. Theresa speaks contemptuously of "the American dream of secure mediocrity", and the President of the United States tries to have her killed, For the Evulz. Two hundred and four white spheres hovered miles over Eastern Massachusetts.” Theresa is as confused about this as anyone else, and waits patiently to see what happens next. The Hartleys are worried at what might happen if they begin to merge with people. In a matter of minutes, they merge with onlooking spectators, and, suddenly, there are now 205 people with HAL inhabiting themselves. Many of the new HAL habitators are in hiding, with less than two hundred expected to report themselves. Theresa is unbelievably mad at this development, knowing that the idiots who have these powers would destroy themselves and each other in the process. Threatening Shark: Theresa ends up falling into shark-infested waters and HAL uses its powers to cause mass cannibalism amongst the sharks, creating a huge bloodbath that Theresa nevertheless gets out of in one piece. This is meant to be family-friendly by the way. What Happened to the Mouse?: Theresa's family seems to disappear out of existence. Same with the Parker family's children who only appear a couple of times before being forgotten about again. Norman also admitted to not doing any research in writing the story, save for "the amount of gold in Fort Knox, the tectonic source of Antarctica, and the density of xenon." [11]http://www.writingforums.com/threads/133885-Empress-Theresa-is-here?p=1571435&viewfull=1#post1571435

After thinking it over, she decides that South Korea can’t immediately move in to fix up the place, as it would be majorly disruptive. Therefore, she will “have to run the country dictatorially through the North Korean bureaucracy” with the south non-interfering. To do so, and to be respected properly, she must be enlisted as an officer of the US Army. Before all that, she must first get rid of the bigger weapons. Using a ping pong ball in a tube, she can monitor the destruction of weapons. When HAL destroys a weapon she finds, the ping pong ball jumps up to one foot in a glass tube, then falls down again under its own weight. By looking at the average level of the ping pong ball, it can be determined visually how many weapons are being destroyed. I didn’t have to do research. It was all in my head. Of course I looked up a few facts like the amount of gold in Fort Knox, the tectonic source of Antarctica, and the density of xenon, but 99.9% of the story came out of my memory. [25] Omnipotence [ ] Buxom Beauty Standard: The story contains an unnerving number of references to the heroine's bosom.More often than not, he'll simply question the intelligence of the person critiquing his book. Some examples: As he usually does in the face of honest criticism, Norman Boutin simply ignored this, and offered no response. The thread fell into a series of self-advertisements from him. Prime Minister Ben Scherzer: "Those who challenge Theresa Hartley's power are fools. She could destroy the world. Don't push her too far." So, instead, she does some geographical considerations and decides to sever the entire Korean peninsula and move it into the South Pacific. Without China’s support, the North Korean leadership will surely crumble. First, she moves Tsushima, a Japanese island south of Korea, to the east, out of the way of the impending Korean move. The rumbling is violent, meaning “This was a good week to be a Japanese seismologist.” Next, she specifies the lines that the Korean peninsula will split along, and warns everyone living near it to evacuate or perish. Media commented on whether China, Russia, or North Korea had consented to this. Theresa didn’t bother asking. She recalls how all of the moments in her life led her to being so confident, even the steady dating with Jeff Winslow. She could move countries without asking. Just Plane Wrong: The F-22 Raptor isn't designed to be launched from an aircraft carrier, and even if there were a way for the catapult to be connected, it would tear the plane's front landing gear off when activated.

Theresa is told she will meet with a Saudi Arabian representative, where she worries she won’t be able to negotiate with this expert alone, but Blair assures her it will happen in multiple sessions and with no danger to her. They discuss particulars, with the main point being that, if Theresa agrees to give up her ownership of the island and to distribute it among a consortium of nations, OPEC will drop their demand of the poor fund and of the reoccupation of Israel, though they still demand the ungrounding of terrorists. This is because the Arabs are, “amused to see the terrorists slap us in the face once in a while. The Saudi representative cannot ignore this popular support.” The other problem is some Israelis will refuse to leave, which will be tested once push comes to shove. Theresa doesn’t care for these things, and once she moves the Israelis to the new island, she won’t have to worry about OPEC any longer. Noodle Implements: Theresa uses eleven bottles of Coke as a flotation device after jumping out of a jet to escape being blown up by an atom bomb. This may be considered an Informed Ability, since in spite of the text insisting that Theresa is in all ways perfect and universally adored, a large number of people constantly want to kill her. A red herring is when a person responds to an argument by bringing up a semi-related topic in an effort to divert the flow of logic into a realm where the person feels more comfortable. All of this is especially interesting given that Norman admitted in an interview that he did barely any research in writing the book:Shifting the goalposts is when someone changes their main argument a bit to try to accommodate for a refutation or correction they've received. In Norman Boutin's case, shifting the goalposts occurs when he encounters people publicly criticizing his book. The following tactic is then employed: