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In some cases, these fantasies may be rooted in a desire to explore your sexuality or gender identity and presentation. However, experts say in most cases it stems from a desire to be comfortable in your skin with a partner. According to Dr. Lehmiller, bending gender roles and orientation also allows folks to inject something new, different, and exciting into your sex life, while simultaneously subverting cultural expectations of what you’re “supposed” to be or do. Sadism and masochism (S&M) and bondage, discipline, dominance, and submission (BDSM) make up the second most popular fantasy. Placing a mirror in front of your bed so you can watch yourself, going to a sex club or party, or consensually role-playing Voyeur or Exhibitionist with your partner(s) may help you explore a similar sensation. What makes these so appealing? “Getting to explore and play different roles and personas can be really fun, creative, and freeing,” says Corrado. “It allows us to tap into a part of ourselves that doesn’t get out often.”
In and out of the bedroom, we want what we can’t have. It’s the way our brain works,” says Engle. “Any sexual relationship or act that could get us into trouble or be seen as weird or forbidden or gross in real life, can be a turn on.” Some people clearly know that they want one romantic partner but want to be sexually explorative with other people. Other people want deep, romantic relationships with more than one person at a time. Try “I love when you’re inside me, how would you feel about exploring doggy style next time we have sex?” or “I love the way you look between my legs, would you want to taste me the next time we have sex?”What if you want to do the same ‘ole thing in the same ‘ole way… but outside the bedroom? Again, ask your partner if it’s something they’d be down for. Every fantasy falls into 1 of 3 categories, according to Engle. “Those we keep to ourselves, those we share with our partners to up the steaminess during sex, and those we’d want to try in real life.”
Whatever the fantasy, there should be a plan in place around what will happen in that sexual scene,” says Daniel Sayant, founder of NSFW, a club hosting sex-positive events and workshops. So the first step to enacting this fantasy IRL is to ensure it’s safe, sane, and consensual (SSC), then figuring out what the fantasy is, exactly, and then talking to your partner about it. Sexual fluidity fantasies — in which the featured acts or characters are seemingly inconsistent with how one identifies sexually If you want to change your relationship structure, “start by exploring what that means to you,” says Corrado. Less than 0.5 percent of folks said cheating, being unfaithful, or committing adultery was arousing to them. What to do about itIn long-term relationships in particular, keeping novelty alive is paramount for fighting bedroom boredom and maintaining an active sex life, says Engle. “Trying something new reignites the passion you had at the beginning of the relationship.” What to do about it Why can group sex be so hot? Engle explains: “In most folks’ multi-partner sex fantasies, you’re the star of the show. The idea of multiple people wanting to have sex with you is part of the turn on.” Eyes glued to the screen during that Game of Thrones scene (yes, the one where Theon Greyjoy gets naked with two drop-dead queens)? Hand travel between your legs at the thought of a multi-person orgy? Voyeurism (watching people engage sexually without their knowledge or consent) and exhibitionism (exposing one’s genitals while others look on — sometimes with, sometimes without their consent) are the most common iterations of forbidden sex. What to do about it Sex on a beach or mountaintop. Boning in an airplane bathroom or while wearing a butt plug. Getting it on in a park.
If you want to share with your partner — but not necessarily enact this fantasy — start by asking for consent to incorporate this kind of lingo in bed. Corrado says, “Really, this kind of play is about radical trust because it’s a vulnerable type of play. And that vulnerability has arousal potential.” What to do about it
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Actually want group sex IRL? Good news. “Group sex is also a pretty accessible fantasy — you might not be able to have sex with your favorite celebrity, but you can probably find someone who is down for a threesome,” according to sex educator Cassandra Corrado with O.school. Next, solve for your W-H-Y. Go to couples therapy or break up with your partner if that’s right for you. Go skydiving or deal with the underlying issue. Not everyone will be comfortable with changing their relationship structure, but if you do decide to move forward together, you’ll need to practice this kind of open communication,” she says. That way you can eliminate the risk of unwanted, or nonconsensual, acts — even in the face of control play,” he adds. S&M is about giving or receiving pain through things like spanking, whipping, humiliation, and more.
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If you’re having cheating fantasies, Corrado offers the following advice: “Identify why you’re having this fantasy. Are you unsatisfied in your relationship? Are you craving an adrenaline rush? Is there some other internal conflict going on?” Fantasies that center around novelty (incorporating a new sexual activity like anal or oral) or adventure (having sex in a new location) are common. The idea of being sexually submissive can be arousing to people who are always in control outside of the bedroom,” says Engle. “And the idea of being in control can be hot due to the taboo nature of rough sex and [a] sense of authority.”
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